OPINION
We see your joke about the 51st state, and raise you a reference to sacking the White House
Ontario Premier Doug Ford, who appeared on Fox News in the U.S. this week, attends Question Period at the Ontario Legislature in Toronto on Dec. 3.CHRIS YOUNG/THE CANADIAN PRESS
‘Okay, but the last time you guys tried that, we burned down Washington.”
That was not Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s comeback after president-elect Donald Trump quipped – it was gentle ribbing! A sign of deep friendship! – that if Canada couldn’t take the tariff heat maybe it should throw in the towel and become the 51st state. In the Mar-a-Lago octagon, over meat loaf and a side of battle rap, the Canadian reply was allegedly nervous laughter.
But as someone once said, better is always possible.
If you’re going to fly into Palm Beach to do three hours of stand-up diplomacy at Donald’s Chuckle Hut, you’ve got to be prepared for hecklers. The next time Canada gets trolled, we need better material.
Mr. Trump practices politics as a form of insult comedy. His audience craves the diss track and he drops them regularly. He’s the Don Rickles of political campaigners. He’s the Statler and Waldorf of international relations.
Ever since he tagged Jeb Bush, his first political rival, as “low energy” and ran TV ads mocking him as “Jeb: for all your sleeping needs,” Mr. Trump had shown a talent for labelling opponents in ways that shortcut to their weaknesses and insecurities. Jeb really was vitality-lite. “Little Marco” Rubio really is diminutive. And Canada really is paranoid about becoming a wholly-owned subsidiary of U.S.A. Inc.
When belittled by Americans – in a totally friendly way! As a gesture of respect! – generations of Canadians have reached back into history for an event in our shared unconscious, which we then throw down with a smile. Mr. Trudeau, who once referred to Canada as a post-national state and isn’t particularly in tune with the non-apology version of our history, may not be familiar with it.
But Doug Ford sure is. Last week, I wrote that the Ontario Premier is who Team Canada ought to be sending onto Fox News to make this country’s case. And there he was this week, doing exactly that. He of course wanted to talk about the great economic relationship, the trillions of dollars in mutually-beneficial trade, and the deep bonds between long-time friends.
But asked about Mr. Trump’s 51st state quip, he knew where to go.
Inside Trudeau’s Mar-a-Lago dinner with Trump – and how it all went down
“The president has a good sense of humour, and it’s a funny comment. I guess he’s still upset that in 1812 we burned down your White House and he’s holding a grudge after 212 years.”
Mr. Ford’s got the date wrong (it’s 1814), but whatever. The Fox News host laughed, uncomfortably. No comeback.
If you’re a Canadian in the U.S. working through your prepared set of greatest hits – shared values, common institutions, brothers in arms from Normandy to Kandahar – and an American starts heckling, the War of 1812 is a good place to go. It really throws them.
I did two university degrees in the States, and sometimes when I got needled – it was totally amicable! We were just funning! – about Canada being America’s little Marco, out came the line.
In 2018, I spoke to a group of Canadian and American university students who had done an exchange in the other country. I asked how many of the Canucks, hit with a jocular American diss, had ever brought up the War of 1812. To my surprise, most had.
Talking about how “we” captured and sacked Washington (strictly speaking the Brits did it, but at the time they were an “us” rather than a “them,” so by the transitive property of history, we did it) usually restores conversational equilibrium. But if your American interlocutors google what you’re talking about, and want to keep going, you may need more material.
“You invaded twice and lost twice. Want to go best out of three?”
“I feel like you’re still kind of obsessed with us. I mean, your national anthem is still all about that time we almost burned down Baltimore.”
“Though have you ever been to Baltimore? Looks like you beat us to it.”
“Fifty-first state? Not likely. Your first constitution begged us to join the U.S., anytime, no questions asked. You still waiting for a call back?”
“Fifty-first state? More like the reverse. The last time you guys sent a flood of refugees across the border, we had to create two new provinces.”
“A 25 per cent tariff? Okay, but good luck explaining to Joe Maga Lunchbucket that his factory is shutting down because you cut off his best customer.”
“A 25 per cent tariff? Okay, but the less you buy from us, the less we can afford to buy from you. The math isn’t hard – even for graduates of the U.S. school system.”
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A daily look at the most important business stories that are making news and moving markets, written by Chris Wilson-Smith
